The only record I’ve ever held was for the triple jump in high school. The triple jump is about the least graceful thing anyone can actually do and still call it a sporting event. Especially when you don’t really know what you’re doing. I sucked at the triple jump and I still broke my high school record. Why? The obvious answer would be because I went to a catholic high school on the west side of Los Angeles that, at the time, was right around 96% white girls. But the real reason is because nobody wanted anything to do with the triple jump. Not only was it the most gawky piece of work ever, but Sister Margaret was at every meet with her camera. Taking pictures for the yearbook. Right at the end of the sand pit. Where she had the most pristine front-row seat to the flailing and contortion and ridiculousness that was the gaddam triple jump.

My record fell in 3 short years, but that yearbook picture will tragically never die.

I also ran the 100 meter dash. Now THAT was glorious. Somehow I did pretty well. OK, let’s not be coy…the above obvious reasoning now applies. I smoked whities left and right. Winning the 100 meter dash is pretty much the best thing ever. It’s just FUN to be faster than someone else. See, look how happy it made Shelly-Ann Fraser!

Picture: Phil Hillyard

She could care less she’s flashing her mouthful of braces while a million Sister Margarets snap away! She’s the fastest woman in the world!

Watching on television, it’s really difficult to get a sense of how incredibly fast these women are running. And it’s hard to appreciate someone’s skills until you realize how badly they could beat you with them. Perhaps I have been brain-sickened by a million reality tv shows, but I think I have a worthy proposal for the 2012 Olympic Games—

Stick one average human in every event to compete alongside the Olympic athletes.

Average Man’s shame would be our awakening to the exceptional talent and technique of these freakishly fast and powerful people. Yeh sure he’d be embarrassed for a couple minutes, but then he’d win an Escalade.

p.s. I am NOT volunteering for any track and field events.